“The time has come,” the walrus said, “to talk of many things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. Of why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings!”
If you have ever been on a road trip with me, or otherwise confined with me for any length of time whatsoever, I’m sure you’ve at some point heard me say that I don’t believe in North Dakota.
North Dakota is not a real state. It’s a government conspiracy, and exists to house military bases in order to protect us from Canada. Canada is secretly a huge threat; the friendly nature of Canadians is just a front. They will smile at you until you don’t suspect a thing!
Anyway, I’ve been pointing out for years just how far the conspiracy goes; North Dakota is carved into monuments, has a star on the flag, even has its own state quarter with all the rest. But that’s what they want you to see. All of the “Look at that lovely state, North Dakota!” is only there to distract you from the truth that North Dakota is fake.
Don’t get me wrong, there is real land up there. And Fargo’s a real place. I’ve been. I cuddled baby goats there at the Red River Zoo.
But for some reason the highways all run along the borders of the state, and there aren’t any major cities or towns that aren’t along the edges. The entire middle is just a vast area of farms. With silos. You know, the sort that can easily conceal secret military arsenals.
Almost everyone you meet from North Dakota is either in the military or their spouse or parent is in the military. Occasionally you will meet farmers from North Dakota, but don’t let them fool you. They’re all part of the cover-up.
The most telling thing of all? Look up North Dakota‘s history. (<—There are four links there, by the way.)
Nothing important ever happens.
Ever.
The “important events” that have happened since North Dakota “became a state” all happened in South Dakota. Seriously.
For years, people have laughed at me, assumed I was being ridiculous, and dismissed my theory…
..but today I found out that I am right. North Dakota is not a real state, and I have a historian (and also a congressional bill) on my side!
Seven years later: An update
It’s interesting to me that this silly little blog post has continued to be my biggest draw, traffic-wise. It was written to be entirely tongue-in-cheek, and yet (as you can tell if you skim the comments below), it doesn’t seem to be taken that way. But let me emphasize: this was a joke, and is accompanied by photos of my visit to North Dakota. It is meant to satirize conspiracy theories, which I enjoy but are nearly all pieces of absurd fiction.
I have now closed comments.
If you want to know more about me, why not check out some of my other blog posts? 🙂
And if you’re into sci-fi and time travel, why not check out my YA book, Threadwalkers?
Joanna Volavka 
26 responses to “The North Dakota Conspiracy”
hello? minot is called the magic city for a reason…
LikeLike
Hello Parki,
I was very intrigued by your post. It was very though provoking to say they least. I honestly do not think that many people consider that to be an option. Minot is indeed a great place. I concur! Why not Minot? Why do people not consider Minot to be a real place. This conspiracy does not fit in with my worldview so I think I will reject it. However, I have recently seen a theory that North Dakota may soon become a province of Canada which is an interesting concept.
Thanks and kind regards!
LikeLike
Why not Minot?
LikeLike
i think the nuclear fumes might be getting to your head,buddy. stop being a sheeple
LikeLike
you think that storing nuclear bombs isn’t shady af? open your third eye, my dude, wake up and smell the toxic fumes of your precious north dakota wasteland.
LikeLike
have YOu ever done YOUr reasearch??? whatever you’re farming must be making you hallucinate, because north dakota is a figment of the human imagination. watch out, don’t let them fool you…
LikeLike
As a real crazy meth head, i can confirm that North Dakota does not exist, and it is actually a front for meth dealing.
LikeLike
As an avid gamer of Fortnite, I can assure you that the only place where North Dakota actually exists is within the state…
LikeLike
I don’t like hearing bs like this when your pretend like your state is real to cover for your government. I know your secret: stop pretending you are from this planet.
LikeLike
North Dakota, I’m from here… we are a real state, there is an interstate I-94, if i remember correctly, that goes straight through the middle of the state… anyone who takes this all seriously is not the brightest… sure there are open spaces and i will not deny having military based nuclear silos and air force bases, but we are a real state and dont like hearing bs like this
LikeLike
Ha! You’re welcome! (And I very much enjoyed my visit to your state!)
LikeLike
I live in North Dakota, I read this and started to cry with laughter.
LikeLike
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/satire
LikeLiked by 1 person
[…] and he saw a “Welcome to Canada” sign fifty feet past the border. Does North Dakota as we know it exist? Maybe […]
LikeLike
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/satire
LikeLike
Uh when you said all the cities are ion the outside you were wrong. What about Dickinson, Mandan/Bismarck , and Minot?
LikeLike
[…] has been nearly six years since I first wrote up a cheeky little blog post about not believing North Dakota is a “real” state. Six years later, and it continues […]
LikeLike
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/satire
LikeLike
While yes I agree there isn’t much up here (BTW that Canadian part is to funny to be real) most of the land up here especially by Minot is used for storing nuclear bombs, this is due to the vast amount of flat land and open space, I’ve driven past a few old stations myself. The thought that everyone up here is part of one big government trick is stupid
LikeLike
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/satire
LikeLike
You know you sound like a crazy Meth head. Take that for what you will. There are certain areas of north Dakota that are military related, ask me I’ll tell you what I know. However much of the state where you claim is silos for undercover military operations is simply farms… With old people who live on them or have been passed onto their children once they die and sit abandoned. Especially using Fargo as your basis, Fargo is much more non fake than most cities. You should have visited other areas for a more fake aspect. Your blog holds no water until you have thoroughly investigated those areas but be mindful that north Dakota used to house toxic waste in the soil so you might end up with cancer.
LikeLike
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/satire
LikeLike
It’s posts like these that rely tick me off. I am sorry, but have you even done your research? Most people from here AREN’T in the military–they’re farmers whose ancestors homesteaded here generations ago (I live on my great great grandfather’s homestead) and not all major cities are on the border. (Bismark) There’s just so much wrong here. Maybe you should spend some time with some North Dakotans and really get to know them. (And btw, Canadians are awesome.) Just because not many people live here doesn’t mean we don’t exist. Plain rude.
LikeLike
[…] terms people use to find the blog, and there have been consistent (if in low frequency) hits on this post I wrote almost two years ago in which I posit my personal conspiracy theory, namely that I don’t believe in North […]
LikeLike
Achievement unlocked!
LikeLike
This did make me lol
LikeLike